Wednesday, December 16, 2009

5 months and counting...

Me and My Momma on Easter, April 12, 2009
Beaverton, OR
(I LOVE how prettyful my Momma looks)

...since my Mom passed away. I can't believe it's almost been a half of year. I went to an appointment alone this afternoon and when I headed home I had a big cry. I had felt it coming on for many days...but was trying so hard to keep myself together. We had family visiting all weekend and I didn't want to fall apart in front of them. I'm a private griever and my feelings are so raw and tender that I like to have my moments alone. My thoughts were with my parents unceasingly over the last week. I found myself recalling countless past times, experiences, and things they would say often or said directly to me. I vocalized those and whether or not people were tired of hearing them--it was therapeutic for me to share them. Those are the things I openly do with others as part of the grieving process. So, as I drove home today from my appointment I listened to the song "Eternity" by Diamond Rio and cried and listened to it again and cried. I felt that tug in my heart again that you feel when you are truly heart broken. I felt that "little girl" part of me crying out for her Mommy when only she can make me feel better. I felt that emptiness that doesn't completely go away. I felt better because I let myself feel those feelings and didn't repress them any longer. I prayed that my parents were right next to me and could hear me express how much I love them and miss them. I thought about the regret I feel because I didn't tell my Mom about the dream I had that she died two days before she actually died...I have wished ever since that I would have told her so we could have talked about it possibly happening and maybe had some peace about it. I thanked Heavenly Father for understanding how I feel especially when no one else does. And when I arrived home, I was comforted by the hugs and kisses I received from my sweet husband and girls.


Kim . . . h2k family blog said...

Thanks for sharing, I know that can't be easy. I hope you had an enjoyable and peaceful Christmas. Sending you lots of (((hugs))).

Tina said...


Oh I am so sorry to hear about this. Thank you for sharing it though. I can't even imagine how hard this must be for you. Sending hugs to you!!

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